Six Things Tarot Can Definitely Do

There’s a lot of confusion and misinformation out there regarding what Tarot is and is not. Can Tarot readers really tell the future? Are Tarot readers Satanists? Is it all just a load of malarkey? Here’s a short post to dispel some confusion and explain some of the things that Tarot absolutely can do.

1. Predict the Winning Lotto Numbers

It’s a well-kept secret that all Tarot readers know the winning lottery numbers. We can predict them with 100% accuracy. However, the Grand High Council of Tarot Readers (located at international top-secret Tarot headquarters in Kansas City, MO) strictly regulates who we’re allowed to tell. The Supreme Tarot Reader keeps a list of names locked in her file cabinet, which was written down by the very first Tarot reader at the dawn of time. Only the people whose names are written on this list are allowed to win the lottery.

Back in 1977, a Tarot reader named Lilith Langoustine violated the Council’s orders and used her secret knowledge to win the lottery for herself. No one knows exactly what happened to her, but her name is never spoken above a whisper, and most readers will pretend not to know she ever existed. The cost of defiance is too high.

2. Tell You if Your Spouse is Cheating on You

She is. With me. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

3. Detect Dishonest Clients

You come visit a Tarot reader with a question about your sister’s health. The reader pulls a few cards and, with a worried look on her face, tells you it doesn’t look good. The doctors are doing everything they can, but your sister is in a great deal of pain and she doesn’t have much time left.

“Ha!” you say, jumping up from the table, “I don’t have a sister! I knew Tarot was bogus.”

You drive home, smug and satisfied at having revealed the reader for the charlatan she is. When you arrive at your house, though, something is different. There’s an unfamiliar car in the driveway. A woman greets you at the door. She has dark circles under her eyes and a pained look on her face.

“Doctor Nguyen called while you were out,” she says, “She says the test results came back, and the treatment isn’t working.”

In the distance, you think you hear the faint sound of a Tarot reader laughing.

4. See the End of the World

We have seen it. We have all seen it. The end of all things, the unleashing of the Old Gods from their eldritch prisons as the seas turn to vodka and the sun is eaten by a giant dolphin. The reckoning cannot be averted. We paint smiles across our faces and try not to let our eyes reflect the horrors we have seen, but we flinch every time we hear the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. It’s a grim reminder that the Old Gods are hungry for our blood.

5. Summon the Prince of Darkness

Everyone knows that the Tarot is a mystical portal to the underworld. The first time you touch a deck of Tarot cards, Satan himself shows up to register you as an entry-level member of the Grand High Council of Tarot Readers. Be sure not to mention his halitosis; he’s very self-conscious. He loves baking, and if you read the cards at midnight on Friday the 13th, he’ll show up with a tray of chocolate chip cookies and ask you if you think he’s used too much baking powder.

The answer to this question is always “no”. Only one Tarot reader has ever made the mistake of telling Satan his cookies were anything less than delicious, and do you know who that reader was? That’s right. Lilith Langoustine.

6. Commune With the Dead

The Tarot reader’s eyes glaze over, and her tongue lolls. A moment later, a familiar voice comes out of her mouth.

“Marcie? Marcie is that you?”

“Grandma!” you cry, tears of joy welling up in your eyes, “Grandma, it’s so good to hear from you. I miss you so much, and I have so much to tell you–”

“Marcie, what have you done to your hair? And are those tattoos? What on Earth happened to you? Last time I talked to you, you were a nice girl, but now you’re dressed like a boy and you look like you want to rob me in a dark alley. I’m so disappointed in you.”

The voice cuts off, and the Tarot reader jolts out of her trance. Your grandmother has hung up on you.

10 thoughts on “Six Things Tarot Can Definitely Do

  1. Reblogged this on The Slavic Polytheist and commented:
    Check out some great tarot humor and great little stories. It’s wonderful for a little laugh and the lightening of the atmosphere at the end of the day.


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